I wonder if I could ever be a writer.

How often do you tell yourself "I'll do that later"? Then you realize that you never did it at all and you start to get mad at yourself. Then this seems to become an evil growing monster within yourself that you are now battling everyday and you start to think less of yourself. You start to think that everything is your fault. Perhaps if you just stop doing that procrastinating behavior it wouldn't be so difficult. Then, you realize that you have instilled that behavior in those around you and you realize you really are to blame. If only you had not been that way from the beginning, you wouldn't hate yourself now and the person you've become. You start trying to change yourself, but those around you are so ingrained with the previous way, that you find it virtually impossible to shift your own behaviors. You visit with others and realize that they don't have problems like you do, so it really is all your fault. Then you start to think dark and despairing thoughts. You try to ignore them. You tell yourself that you don't deserve to be a part of those around you and you start to distance yourself from them. You feel yourself slipping into an internal darkness but continue to pretend on the outside that you are okay. You get up each day, look about you and think "why bother", but you continue on anyhow. You don't really understand why you do it. You feel deeply lost and full of self-hatred because you are an ugly person and you lash out at others that don't deserve your lashings. Then you hate yourself even more and think those dark despairing thoughts again and again. You want them to stop, but you can't make them go away. You tell yourself you are being dramatic, over-reactive, and just plain stupid. You try to return back to pretending to be happy. You soon realize that you are in need of help from this despairing place you have put yourself, but you don't want to admit that everything is your fault, so you avoid seeking the help you need. You cry to yourself that you are not worthy of help. Deep inside you realize that you believe that this is true. Those around you may realize that you believe it and attempt to help. Or they may just tell you that you are being melodramatic and you need to get over it. Others tell you that it is all your fault and if only you had changed from the beginning, which just makes you feel terrible and perhaps even a bit worse. So you start panicking because you see where this thought process is headed. You need to break it and fast or else something bad may happen. The evil monster inside roars and says "maybe something bad should happen, maybe then those around you will do better than what you have done". Then you go to bed and cry, because you think this is all true and the evil monster is right. Then you are filled with a self-loathing so great that it consumes your every thought. You start to project the opposite to others outside you because you want them to think that you are okay. That you realize you need to fix all those problems within yourself and now you are smiling as you talk with them and you are practically cheerful to everyone. However, inside you know the truth. And you hate who you are. And you want it to stop. But you don't know what to do any more. So you give up. And cry. Again.